If you had asked me a couple years back if I could imagine myself being a fan of BTS, I would have laughed and said no. If you’d also asked if I could imagine living through a pandemic in my lifestyle, I would have reacted the same way. Yet here we are—I am a BTS Army, and also living through a pandemic.
How did a girl who swore by indie rock and folk become a fan of BTS, you ask? The simple answer is that their music is beautiful, cathartic and comforting. The long answer is that BTS saved me from myself.
Turning ON
It was a few weeks after Cebu was put on lockdown. I had just finished my nth K-drama since being on quarantine, but somehow bingeing on Netflix could no longer distract me from my depressed thoughts. By this time, my livelihood had basically been pulled away from me. Originally, our summer up until June had been fully booked, but because of the pandemic, we went from a hundred to zero overnight.
I was hopeful at first, but as the days passed by, hope became harder to hold on to. I have always been a fan of The Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon. So that’s how one afternoon, in the hopes of finding something cheerful to watch, I stumbled upon BTS’ performance of ON at Grand Central Station.
I was curious who V was, as he wrote and produced Sweet Night for Itaewon Class. I watched their live performance, and was stunned. My jaw dropped, and so I decided to watch it again. I had this prejudice towards K-pop, but that’s maybe because I’ve never seen anything like what BTS was doing. I had so many thoughts on their performance. “Where is V? How can a boy group have 7 members? How do you tell them apart?” became “Wow, they dance really, really well. Is this live? How do they sing well live? I should watch it again.”
Pocketful of Bangtan girls (from left) Meream Pacayra, the writer, Rhea Senining-Judilla, and Pami Therese Estalilla. The writer with friend Richel Gomez.
I messaged a friend who I knew was a fan, and she sent me links of videos to watch. Celestex’s From Nobodies to Legends showed their humble beginnings. They went from seven members sleeping on bunk beds in a small bedroom, to attending the Grammy’s as presenters in 2019—the first K-pop group to be invited!
I was shocked when I found myself in tears watching their meager beginnings. Later, I would come to realize that the first step in becoming ARMY is finding other ARMYs you trust. Peers who can provide you with factual details about Bangtan. BTS in Korean is actually Bangtan Sonyeondan, which translates to Bulletproof Boy Scouts.
Down the Rabbit Hole
With all the time in the world, I began my descent into the rabbit hole that was Bangtan. I started watching all the content I could find on YouTube, Weverse and Vlive. Aside from music videos, they have behind-the-scenes films of just about anything. There are docu-series and documentaries of their world tours—Burn the Stage, Bring the Soul, and Break the Silence. There are reality travel shows of them vacationing around Korea and the world—In the Soop, Bon Voyage.
There’s also what we call our Tuesday happy pill—a fun variety show called Run BTS. Seeing them in different settings allows a peek into how they interact with each other in such a genuine way. As the members would say, they are more than family, more than best friends. It’s amazing and such an inspiration to see how humble they have remained despite their huge worldwide success in recent years. I mean, they earn millions, yet still fight over snack prizes in Run BTS.
They have shown ARMY that one can start small and overcome any challenge that comes our way, as long as we begin by loving ourselves and surrounding ourselves with the right people.
I met new friends who are ARMY, and felt a little less alone in my despair. Like me, some had just found BTS during the pandemic, while others have been fans for years. I found a community of like-minded people who also found solace in Bangtan. Funnily enough, it is with these people that I could be comfortable just being my eccentric self. Inspired by the community of ARMY artists, and BTS’ sincerity and dedication to their craft, I picked up a paint brush and started painting again. Painting while listening to BTS became my meditation. I could clear my head, and just be.
Listening Party
I listened to their entire discography, and looked up English translations of their Korean lyrics. Their songwriting and musicality astounded me, to say the list. To my delight, I discovered that all members have written and/or produced 90% of their songs. Another assumption proven wrong—K-pop is not all factory-made music.
BTS writes music based on their personal experience, and as they matured, their music grew with them. Their 2013 debut album, from their late teens and early 20s, touched on the mental struggles of young people in South Korea. Their most recent album pre-pandemic Map of the Soul 7 delved into Carl Jung’s theory on the four personality archetypes. Their latest album BE described their challenges during the ongoing pandemic and lockdowns.
The writer’s own BTS-inspired art.
By talking about their personal struggles, fans feel seen and heard. We are slowly coming to terms that it is okay to talk about our struggles too. BTS has provided a sanctuary to a lot of people, including me. They have shown ARMY that one can start small and overcome any challenge that comes our way, as long as we begin by loving ourselves and surrounding ourselves with the right people.
BTS was invited to speak at the UN General Assembly in 2018, after they partnered with UNICEF in November 2017 to launch the campaign Love Yourself. It is a campaign built on the belief that true love begins with loving oneself—the same theme from their Love Yourself album series. With this partnership, countless people were inspired to share their own stories on overcoming hardships in life.
Without BTS, I would have stayed longer in such a dark and hopeless place. It’s not just the distraction of catching up on seven years worth of content. They ignited a spark in me through my dark thoughts. They inspired me to be more loving, more forgiving and kinder, not just to others but also to myself.
